WHAT HURTS PEOPLE
(Negative Feedback, Aversive Stimuli, Negative Strokes, “Cold Pricklies”)
1. Not being liked
2. Not being understood or accepted
3. Not receiving approval or affection
4. Not being respected
5. Not being trusted
6. Not being included or involved
7. Not being allowed to express oneself
8. Not being listened to
9. Having ideas or opinions questioned, disbelieved, argued with, or rejected
10. Being treated coldly or impersonally
11. Being treated discourteously
12. Not being given time or attention
13. Being ignored (not having one’s presence acknowledged)
14. Being avoided
15. Being rejected or scorned
16. Receiving insincere flattery
17. Being criticized
18. Being blamed or made to feel guilty
19. Not having one’s efforts acknowledged
20. Not being thanked
21. Being teased, poked fun at
22. Being treated contemptuously or disdainfully (being insulted, called names, or the subject of sarcasm)
23. Being reprimanded or punished (for making a mistake or causing a problem)
24. Being reminded of past mistakes
25. Having one’s weaknesses pointed out or emphasized
26. Having one’s strengths be unacknowledged or ridiculed
27. Being put on (made to look foolish)
28. Being lied to
29. Being deceived, cheated, taken, or conned
30. Being manipulated or used
31. Being intimidated or threatened
32. Being gossiped about
33. Having a promise broken
34. Being betrayed
35. Not being supported or backed up
36. Being stereotyped
37. Being condescended to
38. Being the subject of a double standard
39. Being physically mistreated or abused
40. Not being given privacy
41. Having one’s possessions mistreated, damaged, or stolen
42. Not having desired status or role conferred
43. Not having one’s status or role acknowledged
44. Having one’s status decreased or withdrawn
45. Having one’s role withdrawn
46. Being ostracized (from a group)
47. Being excessively directed (by a superior)
48. Being helped
49. Not being informed (not being told what’s going on)
50. Not being given cooperation
51. Being the subject of revenge
52. Having any of the preceding actions done to loved ones
WHAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL GOOD
(Positive Feedback, Reinforcers, Positive Strokes, “Warm Fuzzies”)
1. Being liked, shown friendship
2. Being understood, appreciated, or accepted
3. Receiving approval or affection
4. Being shown respect
5. Being shown trust or confidence
6. Being included or invited to participate
7. Being allowed to express one’s thoughts or feelings
8. Being listened to
9. Having one’s ideas or opinions acknowledged, accepted, and fairly considered (if not agreed with)
10. Being treated warmly and considerately
11. Being treated with respect or courtesy
12. Being given time and attention
13. Having one’s presence acknowledged
14. Being sought out or approached
15. Being approved of or accepted
16. Receiving a sincere compliment
17. Being praised, recognized, or complimented
18. Not being blamed; having mistakes understood
19. Having one’s efforts acknowledged or appreciated
20. Being thanked; having an act reciprocated
21. Being shown sensitivity or respect
22. Receiving deference, respect, or consideration
23. Having mistakes or problems discussed honestly, tactfully, and constructively
24. Having mistakes forgiven and forgotten
25. Having weaknesses accepted, tolerated, or excused
26. Having strengths acknowledged or emphasized
27. Being made to look competent or sensible
28. Being told the truth
29. Being dealt with honestly and fairly
30. Being treated as trustworthy or depended on as a group member
31. Being treated conscientiously or unthreateningly
32. Being spoken well of (behind one’s back)
33. Having promises (to one) kept
34. Being shown loyalty; having one’s confidences kept
35. Being supported or backed up
36. Having one’s individuality acknowledged or accepted
37. Being treated as an equal
38. Being treated equally, justly, and fairly
39. Being made physically comfortable or secure
40. Being given privacy (personal time and space)
41. Having one’s possessions treated considerately
42. Having desired status or role conferred
43. Having one’s status or role acknowledged
44. Having one’s status increased or re-conferred
45. Having one’s role re-conferred
46. Being accepted into or reinstated by a group
47. Being instructed, supported, or guided
48. Being asked for help or guidance
49. Being kept informed (being in on what’s happening)
50. Being given cooperation or assistance
51. Being forgiven
52. Having loved ones treated with respect or kindness
Ego Defense Mechanisms.
When most of us experience negative feedback, we use various psychological defense mechanisms to protect our identity or self-image.
Suppression: Attempting to hide a personal weakness or failure from others or trying to keep others from finding out that one has made a mistake or has caused a problem.
Denial: Denying—to either oneself or others—that one has made a mistake, has a problem, or has caused a problem.
Projection: Blaming others for a mistake or problem or attributing to others the same weaknesses and shortcomings that one finds in oneself. Another form of this mechanism involves “wearing a mask” and displaying or projecting what we want others to see in us— for example, our strengths rather than our weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
The preceding defense mechanisms constitute our first line of defense against negative feedback. The next nine mechanisms constitute our second line of defense. They come into play when we must acknowledge our weaknesses, mistakes, wrongs, or problems and then come to terms with the psycho-emotional consequences within ourselves.
Rationalization: Justifying one’s shortcomings, mistakes, or problems with reasons (excuses) that help keep one’s self-image intact
Compensation: Engaging in alternative activities in which one is more capable of being successful and generating self-image-reinforcing positive feedback
Sublimation: Unconsciously blocking psychologically painful experiences from rising to the level of conscious awareness
Repression: Consciously pushing negative emotions and thoughts out of one’s mind
Fantasy: Substituting daydreams for reality (that is, dreamily thinking about things being the way one wishes they could be)
Regression: Reverting to behavior patterns involved in more ego-satisfying situations or circumstances of the past (for example, regressing to childlike behavior)
Identification: Identifying or associating with those who appear more successful, liked, respected, or admired than oneself
Aggression: Taking out one’s frustration, anxiety, resentment, or anger on other people
Undoing: Trying to right the wrong or doing penance by causing personal suffering to oneself
Dysfunctional Ego Enhancement Measures.
The following are some negative or dysfunctional measures that many people use. They are aimed at what we call “self-superiorization” (self-elevation or self-exaltation). In general, they enhance one’s own ego at the expense of other people’s feelings and egos. Thus, their use is considered dysfunctional for social relationships and should be avoided.
Identifying: Identifying or associating with those who appear to be more successful, respected, admired, or liked than oneself. (Although this usually does no harm to others, it does not necessarily result in personal development and an improved ability to cope.)
Criticizing, ridiculing, blaming: Putting other people down in order to put oneself up (feel superior to others in some respect).
Dominating, intimidating: Using power, authority, or influence in order to control others and feel superior to them (as an authoritarian boss, spouse, or parent might do).
Creating dependency: Causing others to become financially, emotionally, or otherwise dependent on you, so that you can control and feel superior to them.
Manipulating, using: Manipulating, using, or otherwise taking advantage of others in order to feel more powerful, competent, shrewd, or successful than they are.
Unfairly outcompeting others: Becoming more successful than others by deceiving them, obstructing their activities, undermining their efforts, subverting their relationships, or otherwise unfairly putting them at a disadvantage.
Engaging in one-upmanship: Talking about having something more or better than another person has (whether or not one actually does)—for example, a better-paying job, a larger house, a fancier or faster car, a higher score, travel to more places, more knowledge or experience, more skill, more power or influence, a greater number of friends, or more important acquaintances.
Applying double standards: Applying different standards to oneself than one applies to others in order to make oneself come out ahead in some respect.
Hurting others: Consciously or unconsciously hurting people in other ways, in order to feel superior to them (less vulnerable than them) or to get even for being wronged by them.
For more Information:
People Management Skills
Essential People Skills, How to Deal With Difficult People, How to Deal With People Problems and Problem People, Managing People, Managing Power, How to Getting Along with Just About Anyone
(Negative Feedback, Aversive Stimuli, Negative Strokes, “Cold Pricklies”)
1. Not being liked
2. Not being understood or accepted
3. Not receiving approval or affection
4. Not being respected
5. Not being trusted
6. Not being included or involved
7. Not being allowed to express oneself
8. Not being listened to
9. Having ideas or opinions questioned, disbelieved, argued with, or rejected
10. Being treated coldly or impersonally
11. Being treated discourteously
12. Not being given time or attention
13. Being ignored (not having one’s presence acknowledged)
14. Being avoided
15. Being rejected or scorned
16. Receiving insincere flattery
17. Being criticized
18. Being blamed or made to feel guilty
19. Not having one’s efforts acknowledged
20. Not being thanked
21. Being teased, poked fun at
22. Being treated contemptuously or disdainfully (being insulted, called names, or the subject of sarcasm)
23. Being reprimanded or punished (for making a mistake or causing a problem)
24. Being reminded of past mistakes
25. Having one’s weaknesses pointed out or emphasized
26. Having one’s strengths be unacknowledged or ridiculed
27. Being put on (made to look foolish)
28. Being lied to
29. Being deceived, cheated, taken, or conned
30. Being manipulated or used
31. Being intimidated or threatened
32. Being gossiped about
33. Having a promise broken
34. Being betrayed
35. Not being supported or backed up
36. Being stereotyped
37. Being condescended to
38. Being the subject of a double standard
39. Being physically mistreated or abused
40. Not being given privacy
41. Having one’s possessions mistreated, damaged, or stolen
42. Not having desired status or role conferred
43. Not having one’s status or role acknowledged
44. Having one’s status decreased or withdrawn
45. Having one’s role withdrawn
46. Being ostracized (from a group)
47. Being excessively directed (by a superior)
48. Being helped
49. Not being informed (not being told what’s going on)
50. Not being given cooperation
51. Being the subject of revenge
52. Having any of the preceding actions done to loved ones
WHAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL GOOD
(Positive Feedback, Reinforcers, Positive Strokes, “Warm Fuzzies”)
1. Being liked, shown friendship
2. Being understood, appreciated, or accepted
3. Receiving approval or affection
4. Being shown respect
5. Being shown trust or confidence
6. Being included or invited to participate
7. Being allowed to express one’s thoughts or feelings
8. Being listened to
9. Having one’s ideas or opinions acknowledged, accepted, and fairly considered (if not agreed with)
10. Being treated warmly and considerately
11. Being treated with respect or courtesy
12. Being given time and attention
13. Having one’s presence acknowledged
14. Being sought out or approached
15. Being approved of or accepted
16. Receiving a sincere compliment
17. Being praised, recognized, or complimented
18. Not being blamed; having mistakes understood
19. Having one’s efforts acknowledged or appreciated
20. Being thanked; having an act reciprocated
21. Being shown sensitivity or respect
22. Receiving deference, respect, or consideration
23. Having mistakes or problems discussed honestly, tactfully, and constructively
24. Having mistakes forgiven and forgotten
25. Having weaknesses accepted, tolerated, or excused
26. Having strengths acknowledged or emphasized
27. Being made to look competent or sensible
28. Being told the truth
29. Being dealt with honestly and fairly
30. Being treated as trustworthy or depended on as a group member
31. Being treated conscientiously or unthreateningly
32. Being spoken well of (behind one’s back)
33. Having promises (to one) kept
34. Being shown loyalty; having one’s confidences kept
35. Being supported or backed up
36. Having one’s individuality acknowledged or accepted
37. Being treated as an equal
38. Being treated equally, justly, and fairly
39. Being made physically comfortable or secure
40. Being given privacy (personal time and space)
41. Having one’s possessions treated considerately
42. Having desired status or role conferred
43. Having one’s status or role acknowledged
44. Having one’s status increased or re-conferred
45. Having one’s role re-conferred
46. Being accepted into or reinstated by a group
47. Being instructed, supported, or guided
48. Being asked for help or guidance
49. Being kept informed (being in on what’s happening)
50. Being given cooperation or assistance
51. Being forgiven
52. Having loved ones treated with respect or kindness
Ego Defense Mechanisms.
When most of us experience negative feedback, we use various psychological defense mechanisms to protect our identity or self-image.
Suppression: Attempting to hide a personal weakness or failure from others or trying to keep others from finding out that one has made a mistake or has caused a problem.
Denial: Denying—to either oneself or others—that one has made a mistake, has a problem, or has caused a problem.
Projection: Blaming others for a mistake or problem or attributing to others the same weaknesses and shortcomings that one finds in oneself. Another form of this mechanism involves “wearing a mask” and displaying or projecting what we want others to see in us— for example, our strengths rather than our weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
The preceding defense mechanisms constitute our first line of defense against negative feedback. The next nine mechanisms constitute our second line of defense. They come into play when we must acknowledge our weaknesses, mistakes, wrongs, or problems and then come to terms with the psycho-emotional consequences within ourselves.
Rationalization: Justifying one’s shortcomings, mistakes, or problems with reasons (excuses) that help keep one’s self-image intact
Compensation: Engaging in alternative activities in which one is more capable of being successful and generating self-image-reinforcing positive feedback
Sublimation: Unconsciously blocking psychologically painful experiences from rising to the level of conscious awareness
Repression: Consciously pushing negative emotions and thoughts out of one’s mind
Fantasy: Substituting daydreams for reality (that is, dreamily thinking about things being the way one wishes they could be)
Regression: Reverting to behavior patterns involved in more ego-satisfying situations or circumstances of the past (for example, regressing to childlike behavior)
Identification: Identifying or associating with those who appear more successful, liked, respected, or admired than oneself
Aggression: Taking out one’s frustration, anxiety, resentment, or anger on other people
Undoing: Trying to right the wrong or doing penance by causing personal suffering to oneself
Dysfunctional Ego Enhancement Measures.
The following are some negative or dysfunctional measures that many people use. They are aimed at what we call “self-superiorization” (self-elevation or self-exaltation). In general, they enhance one’s own ego at the expense of other people’s feelings and egos. Thus, their use is considered dysfunctional for social relationships and should be avoided.
Identifying: Identifying or associating with those who appear to be more successful, respected, admired, or liked than oneself. (Although this usually does no harm to others, it does not necessarily result in personal development and an improved ability to cope.)
Criticizing, ridiculing, blaming: Putting other people down in order to put oneself up (feel superior to others in some respect).
Dominating, intimidating: Using power, authority, or influence in order to control others and feel superior to them (as an authoritarian boss, spouse, or parent might do).
Creating dependency: Causing others to become financially, emotionally, or otherwise dependent on you, so that you can control and feel superior to them.
Manipulating, using: Manipulating, using, or otherwise taking advantage of others in order to feel more powerful, competent, shrewd, or successful than they are.
Unfairly outcompeting others: Becoming more successful than others by deceiving them, obstructing their activities, undermining their efforts, subverting their relationships, or otherwise unfairly putting them at a disadvantage.
Engaging in one-upmanship: Talking about having something more or better than another person has (whether or not one actually does)—for example, a better-paying job, a larger house, a fancier or faster car, a higher score, travel to more places, more knowledge or experience, more skill, more power or influence, a greater number of friends, or more important acquaintances.
Applying double standards: Applying different standards to oneself than one applies to others in order to make oneself come out ahead in some respect.
Hurting others: Consciously or unconsciously hurting people in other ways, in order to feel superior to them (less vulnerable than them) or to get even for being wronged by them.
For more Information:
People Management Skills
Essential People Skills, How to Deal With Difficult People, How to Deal With People Problems and Problem People, Managing People, Managing Power, How to Getting Along with Just About Anyone
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