Influencing Others
Learn It — Three Ways to Influence People
By connecting with others, influential people establish a genuine rapport with those they are trying to influence. Influential people take time to assess needs by finding out the viewpoints, needs, concerns, and problems others have. Finally, they use this knowledge to make a persuasive presentation that appeals to the needs of others so that they see the benefits for themselves.
1. Connecting With Others
There are various ways of connecting with others, but each works only if you are genuine when using it. Most of the time people can spot a phony a mile away. Here are four tools for making connections:
“I’ve got something for you.”
“I’ve been through this, too.”
“I admire you.”
“You interest me.”
2. Assessing Needs
Interpersonally intelligent people know their audience. They find out what needs other people have before spending time trying to influence them. They do so in three ways: they observe behavior, ask skillful questions, and obtain reactions.
Observe Behavior
Here are some things to consider:
What seems to be the best time to talk with this person?
Does the person prefer you to get right down to business or to schmooze first?
In what situations does this person smile and seem enthusiastic?
What nonverbal signals does this person give to let you know he or she is receptive? Not receptive?
How does this person use language? What are some pet expressions?
What does this person value? (success? loyalty? teamwork? dedication? hard work?)
What motivates this person? (praise? respect? attention? activity? peace and calm?)
What do you know about the person’s tastes and preferences, interests, and beliefs?
Can this person stand back and listen? Does the person like a lot of give and take?
Is the person formal or informal?
Your observations will help you decide the best way to approach this person with your ideas, advice, and suggestions.
Ask Skillful Questions
The art of asking skillful questions can be developed by paying attention to the following guidelines:
Ask questions that promote reflection. It’s better for a salesperson to ask, “What colors do you like?” than to say, “Do you like this color?”
Ask questions so that the response will be clear. It’s better for a spouse to ask, “Do you agree with me?” rather than, “OK?”
Ask what before why. For example, it’s better for a campaign worker to ask, “What do you like about our opponent?” than to ask, “Why are you voting for him?” Asking why often makes others uneasy and defensive.
Emphasize the words in your question that invite a response. For example, it’s better for a consultant to ask, “What do you think about my proposal?” rather than, “What do you think about this proposal?”
Asking skillful questions not only helps you to understand the person you are trying to influence, but also helps to open the door to the influence message you want to convey.
Obtain Reactions
Most people give advice and then wait for others to agree with them. It is much more effective to obtain someone’s reactions immediately after you have finished speaking. You not only receive immediate feedback but also learn what else you need to do to be better received.
Think of any situation in the next day or so in which you want to give advice to someone. Here are some follow-up questions to check out how your advice will be received:
How does that sound to you?
Will that work for you?
Have I been helpful?
What’s your reaction to what I’m suggesting?
3. Making a Persuasive Presentation
It all boils down to two skills: reduce resistance and make your message appealing.
The more you make the receiver comfortable, the more open he or she will be to what you have to say. The more appealing your message is, the more receptive the receiver will be.
Reduce Resistance
When people sense that you are trying to convince them of something they have not been convinced of before, they will dig in their heels before you ever get to your main point. This may happen even if you’ve already established good rapport. Fortunately, many strategies can reduce resistance or prevent it in the first place.
One approach is to take the indirect route. Ask questions that might lead the other party to explore your concerns without pressing them yourself.
With some people and in some circumstances, the best approach is to take the direct route. Before presenting your message, you might say such things as:
Let me get right to the point.
It’s not fair to you to beat around the bush.
I know your time is short, so I’ll tell you what I have on my mind.
Let me be up front.
Choosing the direct route is especially effective when you are communicating upward, that is, with people who have power or authority over you. It gets their attention, sounds confident, and yet respects who they are. Best of all, it may take them by surprise and give you time to speak before they build resistance to your message.
Another possibility is to request something that is so small it’s hard for the other person to refuse. In sales lingo, this is called gaining a foot in the door. You might employ this approach by doing one or more of the following:
Inviting someone to read something before you talk about it.
Requesting someone to try something once.
Urging someone to deal with one specific issue rather than the whole ball of wax.
Encouraging someone to do something as an experiment or as a pilot.
Asking someone to give you five minutes to hear what you have to say.
Don’t manipulate people with this approach. Adopt the attitude that they need time to come to your side. Moreover, treat them like a consumer. Give them the power to decide if they want to “shop in your store” or go elsewhere:
Along with giving up efforts to control others, emphasize the positive over the negative. When you are dealing with someone who makes you feel as if you are banging your head against the wall, it’s tempting to say things like: “You’re being ridiculous,” “You’re acting crazy,” or “You don’t make any sense.” However, negative communication just doesn’t get ideas across as well as positive communication. Saying you can, develops positive energy in someone else; saying you never engenders anger. Saying, “If you do x, you will benefit” is more convincing than saying, “If you don’t do x, you will be sorry.”
Despite all these suggestions, of course, you will still get resistance as soon as you say something that requires a change from old habits and prior beliefs. When a person disagrees, try to stop yourself from getting into an argument. Even if the other person eventually backs down, he or she will not be convinced. The person is merely surrendering—for the moment. Instead, acknowledge the existence of the other person’s views and even their validity. Says things like:
You’ve got a point there.
I see how strongly you feel about this.
You make sense.
That may be.
I understand what you’re saying.
That’s true.
Make Your Message Appealing
There is no question that being prepared with facts and points of evidence to back up your message is important.
Typically, examples are more powerful than statistics or narrative.
That’s because a good example focuses your attention and paints a picture you can see. For instance, imagine that you are urging someone to stop smoking. All the arguments and all the statistics in the world will not be as persuasive as examples of people who successfully kicked the habit and are healthier and happier for it.
The danger of using examples, of course, is that your audience may not find that they apply to him or her. To lessen objections, say upfront that the example you are about to give may not fit.
A visual metaphor is also a powerful tool of persuasion. Think, for a moment, how vivid the question, “Is your cup half empty or half full?” is to the person hearing (and visualizing) it. Consider the kind of images that make you receptive to a product. What works for you—a hyperactive bunny rabbit? A sex symbol? Or when we want to gently discourage someone from giving us new work to do, we say, “I wish I could, but I have so much on my plate already that there’s no room for more.” Images also inspire others and give them direction. For example, we urge volunteers to “rally the troops,” we ask managers to “use a carrot rather than a stick,” and we encourage senior citizens to “enjoy the autumn of their life.” Images also affect us emotionally. If a busy woman says to her busy partner, “I feel sometimes like we are two ships passing in the night,” the request to consider spending more time with each other may get immediate attention.
Metaphors have to fit the audience to be successful. A Baptist preacher can uplift his flock by proclaiming, “It may be Friday now, but Sunday’s coming!” but the same metaphor will mean nothing to a non-Christian. A Texan might turn off an animal lover if he says, “I’m as upset as a pig in kerosene overalls at a prairie fire.”
Another way to make a message more appealing is to reframe it. Reframing is a technique used by psychologists to help people consider something in a new light. For example, a therapist might say to parents who have been indecisive about bedtime rules, “Do you want to confuse your child?” The recasting of their indecisiveness as something that creates confusion may jar the parents into examining the impact of their behavior. Likewise, when a team leader says to a team member who is not pulling his or her weight, “I’m confused about why you don’t want to be part of the team,” the behavior is interpreted as an act of separation rather than irresponsibility. Sometimes, merely a word change reframes how things are perceived. The quality control function is now referred to in user-friendly terms as “quality services.” Realizing that “role playing” makes many people anxious, corporate trainers often use the term “skill practice.”
Perhaps most important of all, your message will be appealing if it is cast in terms of its benefits to the other person. Some people say that the most listened-to radio station is WIFM: “What’s in It For Me?”
Our final advice is to give others the time and space to decide whether they agree with you. Influential people don’t pressure others but instead, give them room to accept or reject what they suggest. In sales lingo, they understand that selling has a long cycle. The more eager you appear to want someone to agree with you right there and then, the less influential you will be. Don’t come across as too eager if you want to be persuasive.
Try It — Exercises for Developing Your Influence
Connecting With Others
1. Make it a special project to take time to develop rapport with someone you want to influence. Think about how to show interest in that person. Also, think of how you can be more interesting to him or her. Avoid giving advice during this time. Develop trust by letting the person see that you are not out to remake them in your image. Also, accentuate the positive. Seize every opportunity to compliment the person. It’s hard to influence someone you have criticized a lot.
2. Evaluate what knowledge or skill you have that would be of value to someone else. Approach that person and inform him or her of your willingness to share that knowledge or skill. If your offer is welcomed, arrange a time to meet.
Assessing Needs
1. Think of two people you want to influence as your “customers.” Devote a week to working on asking questions rather than giving advice. Learn more about their needs, wishes, and preferences, and store that information for later use.
2. Select someone you want to influence who gives you a hard time. Think about how you and the other person are alike and not alike. Observe the person’s behavior, using the checklist on page 126. Then develop a plan of approach so that this person will likely be receptive to you.
Making A Persuasive Presentation
1. For one week, try to lessen your eagerness to influence people right away. Every time you are in a situation where you want to be persuasive, try to be patient with yourself and with others. Give yourself time to think before you speak, and give others the space and elbow room to consider what you’re saying without responding right away. See if you like the results.
2. Identify a person to whom you want to be more persuasive. Develop a plan for encouraging that person to accept your idea. Prepare yourself with information about the benefits of your ideas. Think about how you might make your suggestions more appealing by using good examples, reframing, and metaphors. Try out your plan
For more Information:
Interpersonal Intelligence, Social Intelligence, Emotional Intelligence, Spiritual Intelligence
Learn It — Three Ways to Influence People
By connecting with others, influential people establish a genuine rapport with those they are trying to influence. Influential people take time to assess needs by finding out the viewpoints, needs, concerns, and problems others have. Finally, they use this knowledge to make a persuasive presentation that appeals to the needs of others so that they see the benefits for themselves.
1. Connecting With Others
There are various ways of connecting with others, but each works only if you are genuine when using it. Most of the time people can spot a phony a mile away. Here are four tools for making connections:
“I’ve got something for you.”
“I’ve been through this, too.”
“I admire you.”
“You interest me.”
2. Assessing Needs
Interpersonally intelligent people know their audience. They find out what needs other people have before spending time trying to influence them. They do so in three ways: they observe behavior, ask skillful questions, and obtain reactions.
Observe Behavior
Here are some things to consider:
What seems to be the best time to talk with this person?
Does the person prefer you to get right down to business or to schmooze first?
In what situations does this person smile and seem enthusiastic?
What nonverbal signals does this person give to let you know he or she is receptive? Not receptive?
How does this person use language? What are some pet expressions?
What does this person value? (success? loyalty? teamwork? dedication? hard work?)
What motivates this person? (praise? respect? attention? activity? peace and calm?)
What do you know about the person’s tastes and preferences, interests, and beliefs?
Can this person stand back and listen? Does the person like a lot of give and take?
Is the person formal or informal?
Your observations will help you decide the best way to approach this person with your ideas, advice, and suggestions.
Ask Skillful Questions
The art of asking skillful questions can be developed by paying attention to the following guidelines:
Ask questions that promote reflection. It’s better for a salesperson to ask, “What colors do you like?” than to say, “Do you like this color?”
Ask questions so that the response will be clear. It’s better for a spouse to ask, “Do you agree with me?” rather than, “OK?”
Ask what before why. For example, it’s better for a campaign worker to ask, “What do you like about our opponent?” than to ask, “Why are you voting for him?” Asking why often makes others uneasy and defensive.
Emphasize the words in your question that invite a response. For example, it’s better for a consultant to ask, “What do you think about my proposal?” rather than, “What do you think about this proposal?”
Asking skillful questions not only helps you to understand the person you are trying to influence, but also helps to open the door to the influence message you want to convey.
Obtain Reactions
Most people give advice and then wait for others to agree with them. It is much more effective to obtain someone’s reactions immediately after you have finished speaking. You not only receive immediate feedback but also learn what else you need to do to be better received.
Think of any situation in the next day or so in which you want to give advice to someone. Here are some follow-up questions to check out how your advice will be received:
How does that sound to you?
Will that work for you?
Have I been helpful?
What’s your reaction to what I’m suggesting?
3. Making a Persuasive Presentation
It all boils down to two skills: reduce resistance and make your message appealing.
The more you make the receiver comfortable, the more open he or she will be to what you have to say. The more appealing your message is, the more receptive the receiver will be.
Reduce Resistance
When people sense that you are trying to convince them of something they have not been convinced of before, they will dig in their heels before you ever get to your main point. This may happen even if you’ve already established good rapport. Fortunately, many strategies can reduce resistance or prevent it in the first place.
One approach is to take the indirect route. Ask questions that might lead the other party to explore your concerns without pressing them yourself.
With some people and in some circumstances, the best approach is to take the direct route. Before presenting your message, you might say such things as:
Let me get right to the point.
It’s not fair to you to beat around the bush.
I know your time is short, so I’ll tell you what I have on my mind.
Let me be up front.
Choosing the direct route is especially effective when you are communicating upward, that is, with people who have power or authority over you. It gets their attention, sounds confident, and yet respects who they are. Best of all, it may take them by surprise and give you time to speak before they build resistance to your message.
Another possibility is to request something that is so small it’s hard for the other person to refuse. In sales lingo, this is called gaining a foot in the door. You might employ this approach by doing one or more of the following:
Inviting someone to read something before you talk about it.
Requesting someone to try something once.
Urging someone to deal with one specific issue rather than the whole ball of wax.
Encouraging someone to do something as an experiment or as a pilot.
Asking someone to give you five minutes to hear what you have to say.
Don’t manipulate people with this approach. Adopt the attitude that they need time to come to your side. Moreover, treat them like a consumer. Give them the power to decide if they want to “shop in your store” or go elsewhere:
Along with giving up efforts to control others, emphasize the positive over the negative. When you are dealing with someone who makes you feel as if you are banging your head against the wall, it’s tempting to say things like: “You’re being ridiculous,” “You’re acting crazy,” or “You don’t make any sense.” However, negative communication just doesn’t get ideas across as well as positive communication. Saying you can, develops positive energy in someone else; saying you never engenders anger. Saying, “If you do x, you will benefit” is more convincing than saying, “If you don’t do x, you will be sorry.”
Despite all these suggestions, of course, you will still get resistance as soon as you say something that requires a change from old habits and prior beliefs. When a person disagrees, try to stop yourself from getting into an argument. Even if the other person eventually backs down, he or she will not be convinced. The person is merely surrendering—for the moment. Instead, acknowledge the existence of the other person’s views and even their validity. Says things like:
You’ve got a point there.
I see how strongly you feel about this.
You make sense.
That may be.
I understand what you’re saying.
That’s true.
Make Your Message Appealing
There is no question that being prepared with facts and points of evidence to back up your message is important.
Typically, examples are more powerful than statistics or narrative.
That’s because a good example focuses your attention and paints a picture you can see. For instance, imagine that you are urging someone to stop smoking. All the arguments and all the statistics in the world will not be as persuasive as examples of people who successfully kicked the habit and are healthier and happier for it.
The danger of using examples, of course, is that your audience may not find that they apply to him or her. To lessen objections, say upfront that the example you are about to give may not fit.
A visual metaphor is also a powerful tool of persuasion. Think, for a moment, how vivid the question, “Is your cup half empty or half full?” is to the person hearing (and visualizing) it. Consider the kind of images that make you receptive to a product. What works for you—a hyperactive bunny rabbit? A sex symbol? Or when we want to gently discourage someone from giving us new work to do, we say, “I wish I could, but I have so much on my plate already that there’s no room for more.” Images also inspire others and give them direction. For example, we urge volunteers to “rally the troops,” we ask managers to “use a carrot rather than a stick,” and we encourage senior citizens to “enjoy the autumn of their life.” Images also affect us emotionally. If a busy woman says to her busy partner, “I feel sometimes like we are two ships passing in the night,” the request to consider spending more time with each other may get immediate attention.
Metaphors have to fit the audience to be successful. A Baptist preacher can uplift his flock by proclaiming, “It may be Friday now, but Sunday’s coming!” but the same metaphor will mean nothing to a non-Christian. A Texan might turn off an animal lover if he says, “I’m as upset as a pig in kerosene overalls at a prairie fire.”
Another way to make a message more appealing is to reframe it. Reframing is a technique used by psychologists to help people consider something in a new light. For example, a therapist might say to parents who have been indecisive about bedtime rules, “Do you want to confuse your child?” The recasting of their indecisiveness as something that creates confusion may jar the parents into examining the impact of their behavior. Likewise, when a team leader says to a team member who is not pulling his or her weight, “I’m confused about why you don’t want to be part of the team,” the behavior is interpreted as an act of separation rather than irresponsibility. Sometimes, merely a word change reframes how things are perceived. The quality control function is now referred to in user-friendly terms as “quality services.” Realizing that “role playing” makes many people anxious, corporate trainers often use the term “skill practice.”
Perhaps most important of all, your message will be appealing if it is cast in terms of its benefits to the other person. Some people say that the most listened-to radio station is WIFM: “What’s in It For Me?”
Our final advice is to give others the time and space to decide whether they agree with you. Influential people don’t pressure others but instead, give them room to accept or reject what they suggest. In sales lingo, they understand that selling has a long cycle. The more eager you appear to want someone to agree with you right there and then, the less influential you will be. Don’t come across as too eager if you want to be persuasive.
Try It — Exercises for Developing Your Influence
Connecting With Others
1. Make it a special project to take time to develop rapport with someone you want to influence. Think about how to show interest in that person. Also, think of how you can be more interesting to him or her. Avoid giving advice during this time. Develop trust by letting the person see that you are not out to remake them in your image. Also, accentuate the positive. Seize every opportunity to compliment the person. It’s hard to influence someone you have criticized a lot.
2. Evaluate what knowledge or skill you have that would be of value to someone else. Approach that person and inform him or her of your willingness to share that knowledge or skill. If your offer is welcomed, arrange a time to meet.
Assessing Needs
1. Think of two people you want to influence as your “customers.” Devote a week to working on asking questions rather than giving advice. Learn more about their needs, wishes, and preferences, and store that information for later use.
2. Select someone you want to influence who gives you a hard time. Think about how you and the other person are alike and not alike. Observe the person’s behavior, using the checklist on page 126. Then develop a plan of approach so that this person will likely be receptive to you.
Making A Persuasive Presentation
1. For one week, try to lessen your eagerness to influence people right away. Every time you are in a situation where you want to be persuasive, try to be patient with yourself and with others. Give yourself time to think before you speak, and give others the space and elbow room to consider what you’re saying without responding right away. See if you like the results.
2. Identify a person to whom you want to be more persuasive. Develop a plan for encouraging that person to accept your idea. Prepare yourself with information about the benefits of your ideas. Think about how you might make your suggestions more appealing by using good examples, reframing, and metaphors. Try out your plan
For more Information:
Interpersonal Intelligence, Social Intelligence, Emotional Intelligence, Spiritual Intelligence
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